Yearbook: 2023.

my "good enough" list

Jan 01, 2024

Hey there.

As a publication designer, photographer, and former 2x high school yearbook editor, no one will be shocked I wanted to lay out an actual yearbook or annual report for my year-end review. I collected the stories, outlined the pages, pinned some inpso, and sketched some graphics. And then, a knowing washed over me. A “you don’t have it in you to do this right now.” I was called to rest and retreat. By me. By my body. By my own creativity. If I’ve learned anything at all this year, it’s to listen and respond to that voice, not the systems of urgency, hustle, and productivity.

So, in the spirit of alignment and honoring my wholeness, I did not dive into the deep end with a design project for this review. I’m taking it easy this week by not laying this out in a book like I’d hoped. Maybe another time. Today I’m going to keep it simple and honest.

I’m done with 2023. It is done with me. We are done with each other.

Do you remember when I wrote “Free Palestine” in early October and said this was going to be a quick detour into advocacy posts and then I’d take a break? That I was preparing for a season of rest and offline life? (Hah.) That I was going to leave social media temporarily and pause newsletters? (Never used them more.)

The reality is that I’ve had much to say and much responsibility to do anything but write and share while Gaza was obliterated and all things unjust were enacted upon the land and people of Palestine in a new, terrifying, and public way.

I’ve spent my energy and creative output trying to educate on and liberate Palestine through a Middle East volunteer trip, dozens of posts, and events in person and virtually. It’s been worth it in this moment, but I have had to scale waaaay back in other ways to make room for this work. That's what was required, my personal comfort aside. I couldn’t check out then, but I need to skip going extra on my annual review.

It feels silly – crazy even – to consider milestones in light of genocide. What good does reflection and discernment do? I happen to still think it allows us humanity. It allows me to consider the impact this year and I had on each other and imagine better ways forward. That is, after all, justice work. Humanization of ourselves and others.

Paying attention.
Asking questions.
Naming paradox.
Imagining and practicing (and sometimes being okay with good enough.)

What else do we have as a year as wild as 2023 fades into 2024 where we’ll be expected to be renewed, restored, and refreshed - magically at the drop of a hat? Or ball.

I spent some time reflecting on the rather unhinged period of my life called the year of 2023. This year is one of the most challenging, consistently busy, and unexpectedly turbulent on recent record (except 2020-21, otherwise known as The First Year of the Pandemic.) I tired (you too?), but I do still think it necessary and beautiful to share this reflective post in its unpolished, undesigned state.

Because I believe reflection matters to better where we’re headed, I tried to pull out the gems I want to take into 2024 with me and show them to you. It wasn’t an easy task, to not ruminate and not design, but to say good enough.

Here are some of the details that emerged when I asked the following questions. (If you’re short on time, you can skim the headlines and skip to the photos at the bottom.)

What are my favorite creative things I made this year?
What were my big opportunities for growth?
What were the best decisions I made this year?
What are some topics or skills I learned this year? What would I like to learn this year?
What's the number one thing I wish I had done MORE of in 2023?
What were the best books I read this year?
What was the theme or three words to describe this past year?
What do I want for myself in 2024?

Creative

Hub for Palestine. A single page of all the Palestine resources published on my newsletter. The writing I’ve done about Palestine in the past few months has been some of my most important and most shared, and now it’s all in this one spot.
Middle East photos. While the photos are not mine to share, I am very proud of the way I showed up on and since this trip and practiced visual storytelling and artistic peacemaking.
Making art with Lane. My husband made a short documentary about a climbing expedition to Jordan called Desert Leather (available on streaming soon.) I supported with graphics, script writing, art direction, producing, and more. This is inevitable when you share a studio with a filmmaker who also happens to be married to you. I also really, really love his films and working with him on them.

Growth

Grief & loss. I lost several loved ones this year. Some are private, but one was our dog Prudence. She was almost 13 but we didn’t see it coming how it did. It really rocked us. Walking through this grief was brutal, especially in a time when so much of the world already felt like it was burning. I don’t miss her any less now nearly 4 months later, but I can talk about her without crying. I can remember her puppy-like spark and quirks without being consumed with sadness. We recently started dog boarding in our home, and it’s been bittersweet. We miss our dear Prudence and who were were when she was a part of our family.

Because of these ongoing, simultaneous losses I experienced this year, I have resourced myself with lots of counseling, somatic therapy, and joined a grief and rage group with
Kari O'Driscoll
. I also incorporated grief rituals learned in the group, some even intuitively until they became “a thing.” For example, the scarf I am wearing in the photo above is an black on black traditional Palestinian kuffiyeh that I bought in Amman, Jordan. When I picked up the all-black one in the shop, someone jokingly asked if I was going to wear it to funerals. I’ve worn it many times since this summer, making little funerals everywhere through this season of grief and turmoil. Yes, I made it my funeral scarf and it’s a ritual now.
Vocation & work. It became apparent this year that some parts of my job would be shifting. Some of the reasons are relational, some are financial, and others are just out of necessity (as in, it was time.) Though my output and services will continue to look pretty much the same, the big shifts are behind the scenes like who I’m working with and why. Perhaps I’ll write about this someday, but right now, just know I am still in the business of visual storytelling and artistic peacemaking through the channels of design, photography, art, writing, and advocacy. More outward shifts will be revealed in time, but I’m feeling them out slowly to make sure they’re aligned with where I want to and can go.
Family & chosen family. My younger sister had her first baby on November 1. Though he’s my second nephew, his arrival reminded me how much I love being Auntie Shelby. This year (with the kids of my chosen family), I celebrated birthdays, said goodbye to one who called me Aunt Shelby, mourned the loss of a little one who wouldn’t get to, and made new memories with the kid who made me an aunt first, my nephew Carson. They teach me that having children is not the only way to provide for or be family with the next generation. Aunties and Chosen Aunties get to do it all the time. To the friends and sisters who let me grow as an Auntie, I love you and thank you.

I also got to spend a great deal of time on several occasions with a few beloveds from my Italy retreat group. It's like we decided to be family and it was so. We like and love each other a lot. They continue to bowl me over with their consistency, generosity, and goodness. It is a gift I did not expect to find in Tuscany last year but it's the enduring mark from my time there. May we remember we are chosen.

Decisions

Writing/reading poetry. This year I joined a poetry writing group. Not only did I get to challenge myself with my writing and join a community of poets, I also found a place to seek wisdom and permission. In particular, a poem written by one of the group members about the sacredness of walking away helped me make an incredibly difficult decision to walk away from something important to me. In other words, poetry has led me to trust myself more.
Yes to travel. I accepted the invitation back to the Middle East to work in Lebanon and Jordan. I went to Grand Cayman for Mom's birthday with my parents, sisters, and their families. I tacked on a trip to Czech Republic by way of Austria at the end of my Middle East work trip just because Sarah said I was welcome to visit her there. I got a cabin in Idaho Springs with Hannah just because and we played in the mountains for a few days. I helped gather people from my Italy retreat in Nashville for a long weekend slumber party. Quite spontaneously, I flew to California and took the train from LA to Santa Barbara to see some of the same Italy crew. Saying yes to travel nearly every time I was invited was best decision of my year.
Embracing collective support. When I agreed to go to the Middle East, I wanted to invite my community in to the work by fundraising. I raised over $5,500 in donations and through the sale of my artwork and poetry book. I wrote about the experience here, and the way it changed my thinking about community support after loss.

Learning

Something I’m always learning. When the barrage on Gaza began in October, I followed on social media Palestinian journalists and photographers on the ground in the Strip. Their reporting helped me to understand the events unfolding. I crafted "Free Palestine” and “Free Yourself” in the following days. However, I realized I needed to publish timelines of events to help my readers and community understand the wider context of my previous posts, one before October 6, and one after October 7.

For the earlier timeline, I conducted weeks of research, writing, and editing (relying on the years of experience and knowledge I already had) before I finally hit send. While I believe it was a valuable resource to put in your hands, I also learned new information in my research process that helped me expand my own understanding. For the later/current day timeline, I had to be accountable to staying on top of the daily news for over a month to capture the highlights of events from a variety of sources. Watching genocide unfold live took its toll while I felt isolated and misunderstood watching the world play catch up on the Palestinian experience. This meant I had to be aggressive in my self and community care in order for my output to be of value for the collective.

Around the same time, I also wrote a post about Learning Palestine, resources for equipping ourselves with history and stories. In order to only recommend things I’d personally consumed and vetted, I did read/watch/listen to some of these to continue my own learning and grow my recommendations to you.

Something I tried to learn and haven’t (yet.) I got a 125-Day streak award for studying Arabic on DuoLingo. I can’t hold a conversation but I did learn a lot of letters, phrases, and useful vocabulary. A long-term goal of mine is to build my conversational Levantine Arabic skills. If you know of a tutor or program you’d recommend, please let me know!
Something I want to learn more. I learned to scuba dive, sort of. I signed up for a resort certification with a dive school in Grand Cayman. I was the only new diver to dive that day, so my instructor ended up taking me on a private guided tour under the surface for my first dive. Though the skills were all new to me and we only covered the basics, it became very natural for me. I suspect this was because I have done a lot of water training as a former lifeguard and I’m perfectly comfortable in the water. For my second and third dives, I got to go deeper from a boat with my guide, my sister and my brother in law, who were all certified. We saw lots of wildlife like a sea turtle, stingray, eel, and lobster, amazing coral and rocks, and I fell hard in love with diving. I don’t have any trips planned yet, but I want to get my PADI certification before too long and do it again soon.

Should’ve

Editing my book. My big regret from this year is not being able to work on my memoir more. I finished the first draft earlier this year, but editing has been a slow slog as I traveled, grieved, and other work required my attention and energy. Much respect for authors doing the near-impossible, which is finishing books while living full lives and working full jobs that aren’t writing.

Reading

I wrote about my favorite reads of the year here in 2023 and here in 2022. I came here to say two more things about books:
- Reading challenge. I am subjecting myself to a book challenge next year. I am not going to buy any new books. I can rent from the library, receive pre orders I’ve already placed, or read what I already own or am lent. I hope this allows me to read more off my own shelves and save some dollars on buying new books (though I still love supporting authors so I will find other creative ways to do this, like sharing their work, paid workshops, etc.) I also am experimenting to see if this allows me to read more books overall in 2024, if I’m not constantly adding new ones to the top of the TBR pile.
- Fave bookish gift ever. My sister Jody made me ornaments of my favorite books and I nearly died of shock. See photos below. I’m in love. Even though I could see a spike in my clicks on that newsletter post, it never occurred to me what she might be doing with all my books, that little sneak. I guess this is also my admission that I do not follow BookTok or Bookstagram, and that you can get away with anything. 😆

2023 Theme

Generative.
Wholeness.
Alignment.

2024 Intentions

I will allow more in my offering ecosystem (read: the stuff I call my job) not only to continue working but to continue growing. So, more generation of creative work, more sustainability, more abundance.
I will honor my wholeness and alignment. If harder days or brighter days are ahead in 2024, wholeness, creativity, and intuition will be my guide.
I want more of the same f*ck around and find out energy — for me that’s travel, leave what's not for me, stay close to my people in the highs and lows and definitely for the in-betweens.
Keep wandering home.

For my honest, paradoxical Christmas letter that journeys into the hard stuff of the season, read this.

What are your favorite questions to ask at the end or start of a year? Are you sad this isn’t a yearbook like me, but also okay with me being human? What are your three words theme (steal mine if you want)? What is 2024 inviting you into?